Published 22·10·23
LONDON — In an uncharacteristically productive turn of events, a tech-savvy master procrastinator launches semi-satirical online newspaper to promote stories that matter. “We're really proud to launch this newspaper, to give people the chance to share their perspectives... just not right now,” declared the newly appointed Head Editor. "At least it's not corrupt, not yet anyway".
The aptly named publication, “Procrastinator Weekly...ish,” looks to gain a following of dedicated subscribers who appreciate the slow, measured pace of news delivery. Rather than the frantic, up-to-the-minute updates provided by traditional news outlets, this new venture embraces a more leisurely approach.
“We're going against the grain of instant news,” the head editor explained, constantly looking somewhat surprised at himself for doing something so uncharacteristically industrious. “Our stories have a shelf life of about a week, or until you remember to read them. Whichever comes first. Just as long as you're not bombarded with pretend news stories sensationalising un-newsworthy reddit posts.”
The newspaper's motto, “Stay Informed, Eventually,” aptly reflects its mission. Instead of urgent alerts and notifications, readers can expect articles that gently nudge them with subtextual reminders that there's a world out there, and maybe it's worth paying attention to, just not right at this moment.
“We want our writers to feel an overall sense of accomplishment without the pressure of immediate action,” the head editor said, then muttering something about “maybe starting a new article later.”
One of the sections of Procrastinator Weekly (...ish) fit to become most popular is the website’s Film page. With exclusive announcements from friend-of-the-site, auteur filmmaker M.X. Reigner, about his upcoming projects long before they hit theatres, this section provides readers with the latest on the dark-horse director. “I love the idea behind this paper, because it’s the perfect place to announce things that might not get released for at least a year,” Reigner explained in a tweet. “Plus, it’s a way for me to make sure I deliver on my promises, as I’m known for being a man of my word no matter what I’m committing to.”
In an interview with Procrastinator Weekly...ish, a reader who wished to remain anonymous said, “I've finally found a news site that gets it. I can catch up on the news whenever, without worrying about whether it’s been infected by the all-speaking voice of the Mainstream Media, and I don't have to pretend I know what's happening in the world, because half the things on there are the slower stories that haven’t fully broken yet.”
The editor acknowledged that as the newspaper starts to gain popularity, advertisers will probably take an interest. However, the editor assures readers that they won't have to endure pop-up ads or obnoxious videos. “We don’t have time to waste putting together videos no-one wants to see, and why would we place pop-ups on our site when we had to use them to get people to visit us?” he said, “but we might accept ads from companies with a laid-back attitude just so long as they don't mind waiting a bit for results.”
In the grand tradition of procrastinators everywhere, the editorial team of Procrastinator Weekly...ish is planning a launch party. When asked about the date, the editor responded with, “Soon. Probably. Not right now, that’s for sure.”
And so, Procrastinator Weekly...ish begins its journey, slowly but surely, making a too-little-too-late mark in the attention-spun world of journalism. For now, we invite you to explore our not-so-updated website and catch up on last week's news, or the week before, or whenever you feel like it.